While most children occasionally complain about going to school (especially after weekends or holidays), some children are unhappy every school morning. This can be stressful for parents as they often don't have time to pay much attention to their child's feelings while getting the family prepared for the school day. It can be hard to stay calm when a child's delay or refusal to go to school impacts a parent's ability to get to work or get other children to school.
If your child is consistently negative about school, it can be a sign that your child is finding school stressful, especially if they appear to have a low mood, delay getting ready for school, feign illness, or outright refuse to leave the house.
Sometimes, the reason for anxiety/unhappiness about school may be obvious; your child may find school work harder than other students, or they are experiencing bullying or friendship difficulties. It may be a combination of stressors that have caused your child to feel 'burnt out' so that the school environment feels overwhelming right now. Other times, it may feel like a total mystery.
Whatever the reason, it often leaves parents feeling frustrated and unsure of how best to support their child. Although parents may experience their child's behaviour as challenging, it is rarely wilful disobedience. The child is usually very aware of the distress and inconvenience their behaviour is causing their parents, especially if it delays parents from getting other children to school or getting to work. It can be helpful to remember that a child who refuses to go to school has often been "white-knuckling" it for a while before they outwardly protest about going to school.
Whether the reason is clear-cut or confusing, it is often hard to know how best to support children who don't want to go to school. Parents may coerce or bribe their children to go to school. Other times they may accommodate their child's requests to stay home. Both strategies can feel unsatisfactory and don't solve the underlying problem of why the child is unhappy going to school. Parents and children can quickly become discouraged when school mornings have become times of power struggles, meltdowns and unhappiness.
As a child and family therapist, I have worked with many families who have turned the situation around so that their child is now enjoying (or tolerating) school. But it does not usually happen without some intentional action by parents, teachers and other supports. It often takes reflection and some detective work to understand the problem fully. And it takes creativity and collaboration to find the solution. Most importantly, solving the problem of school anxiety/school refusal requires working in partnership with your child. Honest conversations and problem-solving with your child will usually bring about positive changes to home or school and will allow your child to feel more empowered and confident that you are on their side and that life will get better.
If your child is currently unhappy about going to school, you have probably already taken some steps to try and alleviate the problem. However, school anxiety/avoidance is usually a multi-layered problem. If it was simple, you would have worked it out already! Moving school or deciding to home-school is usually not an option, and sometimes, it is not what is needed. Reducing school anxiety often involves parents trying a few different strategies before seeing a difference.
Here are some suggestions that other parents have found helpful in supporting their children with these struggles:
Take time to listen to what is going on for your child. Choose a time when you and your child are feeling relaxed. See if you can help them identify what is making school mornings stressful. When do they start feeling stressed about school? What thoughts come to their mind when they think about school? What do they feel in their body when they think about school? Are some mornings more difficult than others? Is there anything they think might help? Is there anything about the family's morning routine that the child thinks adds to their anxiety? If they are finding it hard to answer some of your questions, consider rephrasing questions as guesses, e.g. "I'm guessing you feel ...." Keep the conversation brief, thank your child for any information they provide and let them know you want to help them with this problem. Often, children find it hard to put words on their experiences, so leave the door open to talking about it again another time.
Don't suffer alone. It can be a stressful and isolating experience for parents when their child does not want to go to school. Find someone you can talk to about it, whether that is a partner, family member, friend, therapist or coach. If it is hard for you to talk about this, try journalling and coming up with a couple of action steps.
Take action sooner rather than later. Although school anxiety often resolves over time, it can also become more chronic, spreading to other areas of life if children do not get support to reduce their daily stress.
Arrange to meet with your child's teacher to find out if there are any challenges with academics or peers or whether there have been any other changes in the school routine that may be causing additional stress. It may be helpful to ask if the school counsellor could meet with your child to provide additional support during the school day.
Consider having your child assessed by a pediatrician or psychologist to rule out any underlying physical illness, mental health or learning difficulties. If you know or suspect your child has a condition that might make school more challenging, look into arranging additional support for your child through your school or your community health service. Depending on your budget or insurance benefits, it may be helpful to arrange private services, such as child/family counselling or academic tutoring.
Take an inventory of the demands in your child's day and week. Are they doing a lot of extra-curricular activities? Are they often being rushed to go from one place to another? How much sleep are they getting each night? Is there a balance of downtime and structured activities? Children have different temperaments and different energy levels, so what might be too much activity for one child might be just right for another. If you notice that your child's daily/weekly routines seem too busy for them, consider ways to reduce the demands on your child.
Reflect on whether there have been recent changes in your child's life that may be causing additional stress (e.g. a house move, parent separation, new sibling, longer commute, extra-curricular activities, parental illness/addiction). Are there some temporary changes you could make to your child's daily routine that would reduce their stress load?
Consider ways to make school mornings more enjoyable and relaxed. How you do this will depend on the age of your child. Ask your child if they have any ideas, and see if you can agree on a couple of options that work for both of you. The option to play a game or stop off at the playground on the way to school may provide some much-needed connection time. For an older child, the option of walking to school with a friend may be a helpful way to ease into the school day, as well as give a welcome feeling of autonomy.
Reflect on your own experience of school. Did you enjoy going to school? Was it a safe space for you? How do you feel about bringing your child to school? Do you worry about them in school? Your experience of the education system inevitably colours how you view your child's experience of school and the spoken (and unspoken) messages you send your child about school. Bringing to awareness your thoughts and feelings about school will help you to notice your part in your child's stress, and this, in turn, will allow you to be more attuned to their needs.
Prioritize your self-care. Supporting a stressed child is hard work, and you must pay extra attention to your own mental and physical health. Take time each day to do something that you enjoy, whether that is exercise, crafts, art, board games, video games or a favourite TV show. Although this may feel 'selfish,' paying attention to your own needs and taking time to 'play' is good modelling for our children. Self-care also helps to refill your cup, so you have the energy needed to work with your child, their school and other supports to make home and school a more positive experience for your child.
These steps may not solve the problem of school anxiety, school refusal or even miserable school mornings. However, they will go a long way to reducing power struggles and strengthening the connection with your child. Often, it is not possible to solve your child's problems or take away their painful feelings. Your job as a parent is to help them feel less alone when life gets hard. By listening to them, advocating for them, and problem-solving with them, you will help your child feel seen, heard and loved, which can make all the difference in the life of a child.
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